I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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