Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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