dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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