i just wanna soil my oats bro
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
