hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
