she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
my liver is dry heaving
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
