Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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