my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Welp...herpes.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
