tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
