I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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