thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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