What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I need to sanitize my soul.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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