I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
