i think my mom watched the whole time
People with herpes should wear stickers.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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