Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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