so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
