i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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