my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
