just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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