We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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