I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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