it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
