Well douche your snatch and let's go!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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