I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You ate ashes out of my bong
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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