It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
