I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I love having hate sex.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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