my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You are a genius and a whore.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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