Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
