Just fell off a train. Bad.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
