I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
