Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
