Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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