Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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