That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
