What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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