I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
