Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize