Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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