Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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