So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
