We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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