brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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