Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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