i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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