i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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