Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
