talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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