im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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