Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
