Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
