...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
