A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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