i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
