i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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